TRIGGER WARNING: to my miscarriage community.

I had a miscarriage. It was your average Monday morning on May 17th. I had my 2 week check-up with the OBGYN. The doctor asked me a couple of questions and then asked if he could use the fetal doppler to get a heartbeat.

The doctor was searching what felt like hours for a heart beat, my heart immediately sank and I already knew something was wrong. He reported that he wanted to try using a portable handheld ultrasound machine to have a better look. He told me that he could see the baby’s chest but that there was no sign of movement.

He then requested that I receive an ultrasound for a 3rd attempt to find a heartbeat. The ultrasound technician didn’t say a word but typed a message on the screen. I looked up at the screen, I saw my baby and I heard the Doctor saying there was no heartbeat.

Our baby was no longer alive. I had a miscarriage.

I’m writing this post with tears in my eyes because it’s still difficult to share my story. A lot of these moments still feel a little foggy as I was in complete shock.

I was waiting for the Doctor to say, “actually we found the heartbeat” but, all he repeated was “ is there someone here with you?” I told him I came alone and asked if I could call my mother. While on the phone with my Mom I can hear her saying “tell them to do something, tell them to help you”. I kept the phone on my lap while the doctor informed me that I would require a procedure. He told me the hospital should give me a call to schedule the procedure tomorrow morning.

I walked out of the office, alone. I still didn’t understand what happened to me until I called my husband and told him that they couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat. I heard the confusion and hurt in his voice. There was no other way for me to explain to him what happened as I myself couldn’t understand. I sat in my car at the parking lot and cried hysterically. He said he was leaving work and I pictured him driving 70 mph to rush home. We stayed on the phone together and I could hear him asking “how and why” and I just couldn’t respond.

I finally made it home and my mom met me outside, she opened my car door and hugged me tight. She walked me inside and I just sat on the couch questioning everything I did and tried to process what was happening. 

My husband arrived home, he picked me up and hugged me as hard as he could. I told him I was sorry, that it was my fault, I could’ve done better. He assured me that It wasn’t my fault, I did everything the doctor’s told me but in my eyes I could have done better, I could’ve better educated myself. I could’ve literally done anything else for this to have not happened.

I continued to rub my belly throughout the day, like a pregnant woman does. Everything felt weird, I had our lifeless baby inside of me. I just went upstairs and laid in bed. My husband laid in bed with me for the rest of the day. I didn’t know what was next. The doctor barely gave me information about the following steps.

The following morning I received a call from the hospital saying they were ready for me to come in. I packed a bag and headed to the hospital with my husband. After being checked in, we followed the receptionist to the maternity floor. I asked myself if they brought me to the wrong floor, I thought I would just be getting a quick procedure and leaving in a couple of hours. I was wrong, wrong AF.

We walked in the maternity room, there was everything in the room you would think of that has to do with going into labor and giving birth. A fetal monitor, Infant warmer, a medicine ball, etc. I was then met by the maternity nurse. She informed me of how the process was going to work and that I was going to be induced. Hold the fuck up, what!? I’m going to be in labor and delivering a fetus?

I made a really strong connection with my nurse, she reminded me to never forget our baby and to provide her with an identity as she was a huge part of our lives. That is when she asked me what our baby’s name was. I just found out yesterday that our baby was a girl. My husband and I knew what we would name her but never said it to other’s. Once I told her our baby’s name she wrote it on the board. 

The induction process started. I was also given an IV drop of Dilaudid for the pain. I was dilating very slowly, I was given more medicine to increase my inducement when she then told me too much of this medicine can cause your uterus to explode, GIRL WHAT? The overnight nurse arrived when I started having contractions. I thought it was my uterus exploding but no this is what labor feels like, lawd. Feeling like my uterus was going to explode I pressed the Dilaudid button, 5 seconds later and I threw up. An hour later I tried the medication again, 2 seconds later, I vomited!

Around midnight, I got up to use the bathroom with the nurse and I felt something almost fall out, I started freaking out. It was the baby, I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to hurt her in any way. The nurse advised me to lay back down in bed. The doctor showed up at the right time and we started the process of delivery. May 18th, 2022 our daughter was “born”. My husband held her for a moment and asked if I wanted to hold her and I told him that I couldn’t, I was still having contractions and shivering from the pain.

The doctor then told me that my placenta was stuck and I would require a D&C (Dilation and Curettage). I was taken to the procedure room and put to sleep. I was then taken to another room to recover. At this point it was about 2am. They brought the baby back as the Nurses took pictures and prints of her hands and feet. Two days ago I told my husband I didn’t want to see her or hold her, but my mind changed at that moment.

I had to see her, I had to hold her and touch her. She had my lips and eyes and his nose and feet. We kept her for about two hours, and then asked the nurse to take her. I requested an autopsy, gene testing, any test they could do and cremation service as recommended by the doctor and nurse. I finally fell asleep at 5:30am. To only be woken up at 6:30am to receive an Iron infusion as I lost a lot of blood. I went home later that day.

I left the maternity floor, no longer pregnant and without a baby.