I suffer from Medical Trauma

Visiting the OBGYN’s office after your pregnancy loss.

I made an appointment to visit my OBGYN for my yearly checkup, something I’ve been putting off for way too long. I’ve been very anxious to return to the same office where I was told they couldn’t find our daughter’s heartbeat.

I pulled into the parking lot. I parked in the same parking space. I entered the elevator to get to the second floor, and once the door opened, I saw what felt like a plethora of pregnant women. (It could’ve just been 3, but it felt like I was being stared at by their bellies).

I sat in the waiting room as more pregnant women continued to be checked in. There was a newborn baby wrapped in a blanket, and as soon as they walked a couple steps into the waiting room, the blanket unfolded, and there the baby appeared, staring at me.

I was finally brought to a patient’s room. Minutes later, I heard the doctor next door using a fetal doppler to find a heartbeat. I tensed up, hoping they would find it, and as soon as they did, I could breathe again. Trauma…

I finally saw the doctor. Tears ran down my cheeks once he asked how my mental health was doing. I appreciated the concern and informed him that I was doing my best.

Leaving the office, I had to ride down the elevator with a Mama and her newborn baby. Taking the same walk to my car when a year ago, I was calling my husband during this walk and telling him I lost the baby. I sat in my car hysterically crying at the same place, all from just getting a Pap.

I suffer from medical trauma; it is defined as having significant distress with reminders while at a Doctor’s appointment or events that lead to a doctor’s appointment. This could be anxiety, flashbacks, and digestive issues.