How can you support a grieving friend/family member?

I’ve wanted to write about grief for a while now, pregnancy loss to be more specific, and I never knew exactly where to start. It will almost be a year since we lost our daughter, and we have faced some jaw-dropping moments during our grief process. My husband and I realized that we probably didn’t have the best support system. This post is for the family members and friends that are really trying to be there for them but struggle with not knowing what to say or do.

Don’t worry! I got you!

After a loss, a support system is your backbone! Someone grieving cannot or should not be grieving on their own.

A support system is essential, you can’t help them get over the pain, but you can make it just a tiny bit more bearable. We don’t expect you to understand what we went through. I’m relieved you didn’t have to go through something as traumatic as this. Your job is to comfort, love and support. This is a time in their life where they are the most vulnerable, and any negative or insensitive word said can really ruin the process of grieving.

So, how can you support your grieving friend/family member?

1. Ask them if there is anything you can do for them at the moment? (They may not even know what they need, but offering them some suggestions below can be helpful).

-Running a simple errand – Picking up their medication or grocery shopping can be a huge relief. Leaving their bed might be a challenging task.

-Offer to order takeout – Caring for their health and ensuring they consume enough fluid and fuel. Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do was cook.

-Clean up their home- A simple loading of the dishwasher, washing a load of laundry, or mopping the living room floor.

2. Acknowledge their pain, and let their pain exist. Try to understand that they are grieving and are entitled to their feelings. You can’t talk someone out of their pain as hard as you try; grief is a process. Don’t make them feel like they have to forget their child.
3. Listen more and talk less. If they aren’t ready to speak to you, give them time until they are. In the meantime, let them know you are there for them.

If you don’t know what to say, the best thing is not to say anything at all. Refrain from phrases like, “It wasn’t meant to be,” “many women lose children,” or the laundry list of things you shouldn’t be saying but might think it’s helpful. Between you and me, 9/10 times, what you’re saying sounds insensitive. Maybe don’t say it all.

4. Do some research on the grieving process and the stages of grief. Understand that they might be jumping around amongst the stages of grief, or they might be stuck on one stage for an extended period of time, and that grief doesn’t have a timeline. Also, your friend/ family member may never be the same person they were before their loss, and don’t pressure them to be either.
5. Offer support group options or therapy options. We want to make sure their mental health is taken care of when they are ready.
6. Respect someone’s space if they ask for it. They will open up to you when they are ready.
7. Don’t compare their situation or feelings to others who might have gone through “the same situation.” We all grieve differently.

Friends and family members, I personally forget that you are grieving my loss as well. Unfortunately, I can’t be the support you may need at this time. I recommend you also search for support groups and counseling that may better assist you in grief.

To the Grieving Moms and Grieving Dads, allow yourself to grieve. Take all the time you need. Grieving never ends, so feel free to share this post with some of your friends/family members who are asking what it might be that you need from them. Or send this post to someone who might be doing the opposite of the suggestions listed above. They may need to be educated, and this is the start. They want to help; they just don’t know-how. Not yet, at least.

Together, we got this!