Cheers to Surviving the Holidays after Loss
This is the second year I will be “celebrating” the Holidays after the death of my daughter Yvette. Can’t say it’s going well.
I say “celebrating” because my Christmas spirit has left on a ship and is sailing so far away I’m not sure if it’ll ever return.
Last Christmas, I had no idea how I would feel and what would be helpful. This year I realized that the holidays aren’t an enjoyable moment for me. I realized that I don’t have to spend holidays with my family members or friends because they can’t relate to my feelings and don’t validate my grief because it was over a year ago and “you should be over it by now.” I also don’t have to decorate if I don’t want to. I am in control of my life and can do with it what I please. I’m tired of explaining how I feel, that I won’t be the same person I was before my loss or that grief doesn’t just disappear after a few months.
Holidays are a time when you do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable doing. Want to stuff your face with cookies? Go to the Chinese buffet? Not put up any Christmas decorations?
You do whatever the hell you want. Forcing yourself to get into the Holiday spirit will only stress your mind and body more and may cause multiple breakdowns.
This Holiday, I do whatever the hell I want, whether you like it or not. Whether I show up or not.
Here are some tips for Friends and Family members on how to help grievers with Surviving the Holidays after Loss.
- Lighting a candle in their babies’ honor.
2. Understand they may not have Christmas spirit or be present during the holidays, but please check up on them.
3. Be aware of children at the Christmas event and inform the bereaved of the family dynamics. (So they can decide if they would like to be present)
4. Listen to both (Mom and Dad’s) feelings without judgment if they’re open to speaking about their baby.
5. Let them set a plate at the dining table during Christmas dinner if they’d like.
Friends and family members, please be gentle with others this holiday season; you have no idea what people are going through and who they can miss. This isn’t the most magical time of year for many.
Grieving lost parents, be gentle with yourself. Make sure you are letting yourself feel all the emotions and don’t be forced to do anything you aren’t comfortable doing; having an escape plan is super important.
Have a gentle holiday season
Love,
Yvettes Mama, Jelissa
