The Day after Wave of Light

Wave of light 2022

The day after Wave of Light no one talks about.

International Wave of Light Day is an opportunity to join bereaved parents around the globe to commemorate all babies who sadly died too soon. It falls every October 15th putting an end to Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month.

The Pregnancy and Infant loss Community comes together in the most beautiful way you can ever imagine.

The day consisted of:
-Counting down the hours before I light my candle to honor my daughter and the other beautiful babies that left us too soon.

-Scrolling on social media and checking up on other mamas to see how they were dealing as for many it was their first time.

-Wondering if my family member or friends would celebrate this day with me and light a candle in honor of my daughter.

Finally, 7 pm has arrived, and you light your candle. I have yet another conversation with my daughter and tell her this is for her and the other babies in Heaven with her. This candle is essentially lit in her memory, a memory that you will never forget.

Some people say after a while they forget what their loved one looked like or special moments become more difficult to remember. I haven’t had that feeling yet.

I remember exactly what she looks like from her head to her toes and the feeling of somersaults in my belly.

Surprisingly I didn’t cry. I did get upset because my husband turned on the fan, and the candle blew out and that caused intrusive thoughts to enter my mind, (“why did the candle turn off?” “what does that mean? “is she trying to tell me to let her go?” “What is happening?!”). But, those subsided.

I did cry today, just another day I felt let down by my friends and family members. But, I just continue to hear my therapists words, “try not to have expectations from others”.

The day overall is successful (for lack of a better term) because you were able to show off your candle and say her name and honor the hell out of your baby.

The following day, it feels like the world has moved on. Everyone who didn’t have a loss continues with their day, and the ones who did are still reliving this day. Replaying October 15th over and over because Wave of Light, October 15th is us every fucking day. Every moment of every living day and only because it’s October 16th doesn’t mean that is something we can blow out our candle, and our child will come back to life.

My daughter is still not here. What is here is the candle I lit in memory of her.

To the friends and family members of those grieving, remember this isn’t just another holiday. This is our life. We live this every day and you will never understand how it feels (as much as I wouldn’t want you to understand how it feels).

But, just because it’s the day after Wave of Light, October 16th doesn’t mean you should stop checking in on us!