The last few weeks have been harsh. For the last year, I have been grieving the loss of my daughter, but my grief feels a bit different now if that makes any sense. Here’s what I learned about grief.

Now I’m beginning to better understand my grief. Understand why I feel the way I feel when I once couldn’t understand why.

I can tell when I’m going to have a breakdown because I’m constantly listening to my brain and my heart and I’m sitting and marinating in my emotions instead of disassociating myself.

These last few weeks, my daughter has been on my mind constantly. I’ve been struggling with feelings of anxiety about my health, the next round of IVF, and the fact that I don’t have a baby yet, and time doesn’t seem to be on my side.

I’ve been struggling with feelings of fear. Fearful of how my next pregnancy will go. Not knowing if I will make it full term to give birth to a healthy child. But, these are just thoughts. I will never know what the future holds if I don’t at least try.

I know that with everything I went through, I am strong. To still be here and share my story and tell everyone who my daughter is, is giving me strength. 

Here’s what I learned about grief.

1. I have to fill my own cup and not wait for someone to fill it for me.
2. I can’t expect anyone to know what I’m going through and also learn how to support me if I don’t educate them on how.
3. People didn’t reach out to me because they didn’t know what to say (even though there are websites, including my blog, where they can learn what to say/do). I can’t expect someone to know what to do/say.
4. I will never not miss my daughter. This is my life now. I have to learn how to deal with living in grief.
5. Grief can feel very lonely.
6. Working on my mental health takes time. I am too hard on myself to try and be perfect after grief, and I will never be.
7. I found a community of women on social media that can relate to me.

Grief is running its course, that’s for sure.

Every day I learn something new regarding my grief.

I have been tough on myself for trying to be “normal” so I can continue my 2nd round of IVF, but I know now that I will never be the Jelissa I was previously. This 2nd round of IVF with be the best version of me I can provide.

I will try my best to be positive, manifest, and possibly be less anxious, but I will never know unless I move forward with this next step in my journey.

That doesn’t mean that I am leaving my daughter behind. That means that she is with me every step of the way.

You will also be able to figure out what you learned about grief. You just have to listen to your thoughts.